Honestly, hardest year of my life so far.
Loneliness, burnout, and just plain sadness.
I have suffered more loss this year than any of my 24 years. I have lost friends that no longer saw the need for my friendship, except maybe when they need something, lost a beautiful car that so many people put time and effort into making perfect, and really, lost myself.
I have suffered more extreme loss as well. I lost my wonderful, beautiful soul of a grandfather, Q. And we put down our first real family dog, Labby.
Now I know I am not the only one affected by these losses, but honestly I didn't, and quite frankly still don't, know how to deal with them. The insomnia is real and nightmares when I do sleep, stress headaches suck, and trying to put on a brave face for people around me is exhausting.
In trying to deal with loss and what was going on in my head, I got a memorial tattoo for Grandpa (both Grandpa's actually, two separate tattoos), cut my hair, even got a new dog- all quite extreme things that honestly I didn't really think through before I did any of them. I am now glad I did all of the above though, Tucker is probably the best thing that could have happened to me at this point in my life. I feel like I have been tested more this year than any before as well- constantly feeling that I am not good enough, whether that be me beating myself up or people around me making me feel worthless. It's hard to be happy when so much has been thrown at you in such a short time.
I have learned that I am more than what is inside my head or what people that have nothing better to do than put others down. I am constantly reminded how much I have to be grateful for: my family, my true friends, my health, and my faith.
You win some and you lose some is what sums it up best for me. While I have lost friends and parts of myself, I have realized and been shown those who are genuinely and truly there for me, and for that I am extremely thankful.
I really am writing this for myself, to keep myself accountable for the new year and to remember the things, good and bad, that make me who I am. So, if you're still reading, thank you.
I would like to say that one of my resolutions will be to work on myself and take a break from the noise that is social media, as I think that may be where some of my issues are stemming from.
I take everything from 2019 as it is, learn from the bad times and cherish the good.
A friendly reminder for 2020: a smile can hide a lot, you do not always know what someone is going through. So be kind, be thoughtful, and most importantly feel and be you.
Here's to 2020 and working on myself first.
*While I seemingly just sat and complained for your whole read, I really, truly am thankful for so much. I think the best way to show this is through pictures from the year.
Something about me is that I love pictures, I love taking them and showing people because I think that is one of the best ways to get a message across. A picture is truly worth 1,000 words.
So I leave you with just that: what I am most thankful for from 2019 in pictures:
