Honestly, hardest year of my life so far. Loneliness, burnout, and just plain sadness. I have suffered more loss this year than any of my 24 years. I have lost friends that no longer saw the need for my friendship, except maybe when they need something, lost a beautiful car that so many people put time and effort into making perfect, and really, lost myself.
I have suffered more extreme loss as well. I lost my wonderful, beautiful soul of a grandfather, Q. And we put down our first real family dog, Labby.
Now I know I am not the only one affected by these losses, but honestly I didn't, and quite frankly still don't, know how to deal with them. The insomnia is real and nightmares when I do sleep, stress headaches suck, and trying to put on a brave face for people around me is exhausting.
In trying to deal with loss and what was going on in my head, I got a memorial tattoo for Grandpa (both Grandpa's actually, two separate tattoos), cut my hair, even got a new dog- all quite extreme things that honestly I didn't really think through before I did any of them. I am now glad I did all of the above though, Tucker is probably the best thing that could have happened to me at this point in my life. I feel like I have been tested more this year than any before as well- constantly feeling that I am not good enough, whether that be me beating myself up or people around me making me feel worthless. It's hard to be happy when so much has been thrown at you in such a short time.
I have learned that I am more than what is inside my head or what people that have nothing better to do than put others down. I am constantly reminded how much I have to be grateful for: my family, my true friends, my health, and my faith. You win some and you lose some is what sums it up best for me. While I have lost friends and parts of myself, I have realized and been shown those who are genuinely and truly there for me, and for that I am extremely thankful. I really am writing this for myself, to keep myself accountable for the new year and to remember the things, good and bad, that make me who I am. So, if you're still reading, thank you. I would like to say that one of my resolutions will be to work on myself and take a break from the noise that is social media, as I think that may be where some of my issues are stemming from. I take everything from 2019 as it is, learn from the bad times and cherish the good. A friendly reminder for 2020: a smile can hide a lot, you do not always know what someone is going through. So be kind, be thoughtful, and most importantly feel and be you. Here's to 2020 and working on myself first. *While I seemingly just sat and complained for your whole read, I really, truly am thankful for so much. I think the best way to show this is through pictures from the year. Something about me is that I love pictures, I love taking them and showing people because I think that is one of the best ways to get a message across. A picture is truly worth 1,000 words. So I leave you with just that: what I am most thankful for from 2019 in pictures:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
While it seems that 2016 was blamed for a
lot of stuff that happened throughout the year, and unfairly so. I may be getting technical here, but
it’s a year- an inanimate object and not even an object, it’s a
measurement of time so therefore one cannot blame political turmoil, deaths of
numerous celebrities, or shootings, terrorism, racism, and social unrest on it. This
being the “worst year” ever, there are things that did happen and lessons that
I have learned in the 366 days of 2016 (it was leap year after all).
So here is my list of
16 things I learned in 2016 (and plan to
improve in 2017)
1. Be kind – this
first lesson is a recap of preschool as I didn’t really learn it this
year, but it really showed up a lot. Always treat others as you want to be
treated (even if they’re being an asshole) because you don’t know what they are
going through, they might have it way tougher than you do right now so just be
kind.
(preschool Jennifer)
2.Laugh a
little – be sure to laugh at least once a day. Here are some things to laugh at
today: Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless
3.You’re fine
being single – this lesson comes from my want (previously thought of as need)
for a boyfriend. Be happy with who you are and fall in love with yourself first
(HAHA CHEESEY). But it is true, you need to be able to fully love yourself
before you can let someone in anyway. Or, if you already love yourself (SLAY)
just stay happy, hang out with friends, do things by yourself for yourself. So,
live it up and be single girl (or guy), you rock it.
4. Listen to good
music – I love music, it’s a huge part of my life. From band and choir in
middle and high school to my extensive Spotify playlists. It just makes me feel good. Need something new to
listen to? Take a listen to this playlist of my current and all time favorites: >>INCHECK<<
5.Ask for help –
this one can be hard sometimes, admitting one’s own faults and weaknesses. Although
this can be hard, we all need help with somethings now and then because we
simply can’t do everything alone. We need to be able to know when to ask for
help. Maybe you just need to help with moving a couch into your livingroom-
which turns into tearing the couch apart and sawing off the back piece to make
it fit (Thanks for the help, Brooke!) or you need someone to pour your heart
out talking about how you need help deciding what you want to do after college
(Thanks, Katie!), there are always people around to help you out.
6. Be prepared –
taking this one from the Boy Scouts. This one is pretty self explanatory, but
always think ahead and plan well! Pack a winter survival kit if you are going
anywhere when it’s cold out, bring all the stuff you need when you go to class,
and study for your tests. *I need to work on this one still*
7.Don’t
overthink – Will this work out? Will I be on time? What if? Don’t sweat it,
shit happens, roll with it.
8. You are
beautiful the way you are – You don’t need to change the way you look just
because you think something is wrong with you. Do it for yourself- to make
yourself happy and healthy. “You is
kind. You is smart. You is important.” *This
is also one I need to work on because I still struggle accepting the way I look,
thinking that I can always change something to make me look better* * ALSO- I'm not fishing for compliments, it's just how I am*
9. Naps are
underrated – period. No explanation needed. Take naps, they’re great.
*Me 24/7*
10. Live for now,
but be prepared for the future – this one is one I really need to work on. I am
terrified of the future and have no idea how to prepare for it; I stress out over it when I really shouldn't. Things happen for a reason and it's a part of getting older so I need to learn to live with it.
11. Don’t procrastinate – another self explanatory one, but don’t put shit off until the
last minute because it puts unneeded stress on you.
12.Be yourself –
it’s the way you were made and that was for a reason – you’re great.
13. Change is
good!... well kind of – change happens, we need to learn to live with it. But
that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. This was a major point in 2016 for me: I
lost friends, but I gained many friends as well – people that I am truly
blessed to have in my life. Friends are going to graduate, move away, and get
adult jobs – it happens, it’s a part of life and growing older and I’m going to
have to live with it. How am I trying to get used to change? I started eating
healthier (well trying to), I’m surrounding myself with people that actually
care about me, and I’m focusing on trying to be a good person all around. There
are things that I can control and things that I can’t and that’s just fine
because everything happens for a reason.
14. Don’t take
things so seriously – this one kind of goes along with the previous point as in
shit happens, take it in stride, shrug it off. Once again this is something I struggle with
and am still trying to get a handle on. I used to take things super seriously,
and then I worked retail. Seriously, before I did I took everything super seriously
and would get upset at the littlest things, but now I have learned to look at
situations and see that the little things in the don’t really matter in the
long run and that getting upset about things doesn’t help or change the outcome
of the situation.
15. Appreciate
the time you have with the people you love – call your parents, spend time with
your friends, do things that matter with the people you care about. Life happens in the present, not the past. The farther
down in this list I get the more the topics relate, this one to the two
previous. Like I’ve said, life happens, make memories while you can because
things can change in a blink of an eye. Things you want to change and that you don’t,
things that you see happening and ones that blindside you, there is simply no
way of knowing so live each day to its fullest.
16.Be happy.
Genuinely, utterly happy – this is the biggest takeaway from 2016. Don' t get discouraged, don't be angry or hateful, don't be rude. This all reflects on your attitude and overall makes you unhappy. I have learned (and still need to work on) applying all these lessons into my daily life and I need to remember to smile and be happy.
In trying to deal with loss and what was going on in my head, I got a memorial tattoo for Grandpa (both Grandpa's actually, two separate tattoos), cut my hair, even got a new dog- all quite extreme things that honestly I didn't really think through before I did any of them. I am now glad I did all of the above though, Tucker is probably the best thing that could have happened to me at this point in my life. 
